This Is My Life

I've started this blog post at least a dozen times and I never get it done. I guess it's because I don't know where to begin to explain how my life has been since my surgery...much less understand that "this" is my life now.

My surgery didn't go as planned. The doctor believed I had mild to moderate endometriosis before my surgery and after opening me up...he found stage 4 endometriosis. He chose to close me up after 30 minutes without removing any of the endo. I woke up in the recovery room and my doctor was there...which was odd, and I asked him if he got it all and he said, "I'm sorry, the endo was to severe, I didn't take any out." He left to speak to my husband and let me tell you...I have never been so angry and so scared in my whole life. Just like that my life changed and I have a life-altering, chronic, painful disease with no cure.

My options at this point include suppressing my hormones with Lupron (which ultimately puts me in menopause) or...hysterectomy. At 34 years old I never expected to be told I should remove all my reproductive organs.

Since you heard from me last I've had to recover from a surgery (which sucks when you know it's all still in there), look for another doctor to give me a second opinion, fight with my original doctor for my surgery video and medical records, find out the 2nd Dr agrees with the first, send my records and video to a 3rd doctor (an endo specialist in CA), my MIL was in town to help with the kiddos, I've had work to do, kids to care for and I've had lots of product to make for the upcoming craft show.

At times it feels like I have t*u*n*n*e*l vision...where endo is all I think about. How can I change my lifestyle to make endo better? What about the future? What about the family history of cancer...would hysterectomy save me from further illness in the future.

It's a long road ahead of me. One full of unknown and no guarantees.

I dream of going back to this moment...before I "knew" what was growing inside of me.

My kiddos have been so amazing. They are always there asking if I need anything and offering snuggles to make my tears stop.

I LOVE my babies!! I'm the luckiest momma!!

I've spent more time in this dark space then I ever hoped...

Staring at my art desk...wishing I had more energy to be creative.

The emotional side of this roller coaster has been pure hell. One minute I'm angry, the next I'm sobbing.

Without my art I would be a complete mess. It gives me something to focus on for a time and it makes me feel good...something I truly need right now. My heart hurts and my art has healed the tender spots.

But I can't wait to share you all that I'm working on...

Here's a sneak peak!

(Copyright Information: This pattern, including text and images, is copyrighted to Heidi Cogdill, Hip Chicks Craft Too. No part of this pattern can be copied, shared, distributed or sold. All rights reserved. No commercial use of this pattern is allowed (which means you cannot sell the finished product).